Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Walking the Way

This may seem a bit random, but with my birthday tomorrow (25 is terrifying) I've been doing some re-evaluating and made some decisions about what I'd like to do with my life by the time I'm 30.  There's the usual suspects like marriage, children, and home ownership, but there's one other thing that's been on my mind in a heavy way for the last few months.


When I was about 12, my dad bought me a book from a used bookstore. He hadn't read it and didn't really know what it was about other than what he read on the back cover but that summary merely told him that his middle school aged daughter would probably like it. At the time I was obsessed with historical fiction (specifically the early English Renaissance/Tudor dynasty but I was also loving ancient Egypt and American Colonial stuff) so he made a good call. 

That was 13 years ago and I still have the book. My copy is worn and tattered and close to falling apart but I still have it. It's the story of a teenaged girl and her betrothed (just returned from the Crusades) whose parents arranged for them to join their estates in order to lend stability to their region (there was also an issue of money). In order to help them bond before their marriage, their priest sends them on Pilgrimage from their home in England, across the English Channel, through France to Paris and then west to Santiago de Compostela in northern Spain. Their journey takes them a few months and (because it is set in the year 1300) they face many obstacles including hunger, injury, injustice, and threatened kidnapping. It's an exciting story about imagining people complexly - especially people we think we know or who we've known a long time - and over the course of the story the two main characters eventually come to view their impending marriage as a way for them to unite their communities and do good for the people they will be responsible for. It's a great story even if - as a Catholic - there are moments that are a teensy bit problematic. Some comments are made that are critical of the Catholic Church which make it obvious that the author does not think highly of Her. (I just reread it and these comments don't feel obvious to me, but I may be biased because I love the story so much.)



In any case, I've read this novel probably close to a dozen times in the years that I've possessed it. I just reread it again about 2 months ago and this is where things get a bit weird.

I finished reading it and was in this kind of book hangover (the kind you get after reading something wherein you're still living and breathing the stories and characters) and I started thinking, I wonder if people still make pilgrimage to Santiago. Spain has been on my bucket list for years anyway, maybe when I finally go someday I'll stop in Santiago... And there the train of thought ended for a while. 

Until it came back when I was babysitting and saw clearly a scallop shell in their seashell collection. This reminded me of the scallop worn by the pilgrims on the road to Santiago. The thought of someday going to Santiago became an internet search that turned into a dream on my Someday-Maybe list.

1896, Author Unknown, Public Domain Image {{PD - 1923}}

There were other little things: scallops for dinner, the feast of St. James the Less (and talk of St. James the Greater) in my Confirmation class, conversations with my mother about the book and how much I still loved it, and so on.

Then. On the drive up the mountain for my sisters' 2nd year Confirmation retreat, I rode with a young man I knew of but didn't know well. We got to talking about our families and family history and it came out that my family ancestry traces back to Spain and that I dream of going there someday. He said Spain is also on his bucket list because of a movie he'd watched recently. The film, he said, was about a man whose son (somewhat estranged) went to Spain and died on his first day there. So the man had to go to Spain to retrieve his son's body and chose to cremate the body. Then he decided to do the walk through Spain that his son had planned, all the way to -- 

Here I interrupted and asked him ecstatically if the movie is about the man walking the Pilgrim's Way to Santiago. We shared a look of awe at God's timing and bringing us together and we got very excited because yes, this film was all about the Camino, and yes, we both had been daydreaming about someday-maybe going on pilgrimage. We spent the next hour of our drive talking about the film and I told him about my book and this shared dream became a strong bonding point for us. 

After the retreat weekend I went home and found the film on Netflix. It's called The Way and stars Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez and I've watched it 3 times since Christian told me about it and I cry every time. The film tells a complicated story about love, loss, redemption, anger, and how sometimes, grief looks like a really long walk. It is secular but shows reverence for the Pilgrimage and the people along it and the Church and isn't sappy at all. I recommend it. I plan on buying the DVD so I can watch it with my mother. The film was actually inspired - in part - by a book by a man who walked the Way, called Off the Road. I'm currently reading it. While I think the author is a pretentious jackass, the book is pretty good so far.

All of this transpired about 2 months ago and since then I've done lots of research. I've been reading lots and lots of travel sites and doing lots of math and I've been praying about it a great deal.

I think I'm going to Spain in 2 years.

Church of Santiago, Santiago de Compostela, Galicia, Spain. By Vasco Roxo.

I've calculated that it will cost me (at a very rough estimate) about $7,200 to get there, complete my pilgrimage, and get home. Airfare is going to be the most costly part of this adventure and there is also the issue of having at least 1 month's worth of rent and things covered ahead of time because walking the Way (all 500 miles of it) takes about 5 weeks. I'm budgeting 6 because I'll want to spend a couple of days in France getting used to the time difference and then I'll need a few days once home to take care of tidying my house and sleeping and generally recovering.  

All in all, I'm going to have to save about $300-$320 each month if I'm going to head to Spain in May of 2017.  That's my goal: 2 years. Two years to save the money, work out the logistics, dream, plan, and train. Yes, train. My intended path goes from St. Jean-Pied-de-Port in France through northern Spain to Santiago in Galicia. That's just shy of 500 miles. To do that in 35 days (with rest days, of course) I will need to practice walking up to 25 miles each day while carrying a 15 pound backpack. It's a lot more likely that I'll be doing 15-20 miles each day but I'd like to get comfortable walking up to 25 miles a day. I imagine the next two years will be good for my health, as well.

So that's my dream as I turn 25: spend the next 2 years saving and preparing so that within days of my 27th birthday I will be on a plane to Spain (more likely to France then a bus and a train to the Franco-Spanish border but you get the idea). I've made out 24 little envelopes which I intend to fill with cash earned babysitting, house sitting, dog walking, and parts of my paychecks and each will be put into a jar. I've used the image below to decorate the jar as a bit of motivation.  24 months, almost $7,500, and 500 miles. 



I think maybe part of not being afraid of getting older involves taking a very, very long walk.



Some European pilgrims on the road to Santiago de Compostela
by Oula Lehtinen (cropped by me)
Source

Happy birthday to me!

See you in Santiago,




















*Author's Note: All the images in this post - with the exception of the purple one - are from Wikimedia Commons and are either in the public domain or used under the GNU Free Documentation License. The original authors have been credited as requested and the Wikimedia source page has been linked to. I have no legal claim to them and make no money from them.*

 

Monday, April 6, 2015

52 Lists, Week 14

Happy Monday! Welcome to my 52 Lists Project, wherein I feature one list every week for 2015. To join in with your own list, scroll down to the link at the bottom, print out your own list, and then share it however you wish!

Week 14: List Your Childhood and Current Dream Jobs
I'm not sure about you, but when I was little I had a very, very clear idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had my whole life planned out and until I was about 20 I was completely on track to make that plan a reality. Of course, then life happened and I've had to re-write my Life Plan several times in the last few years, but it's always nice to look back and look ahead, and see how much I've grown and changed since I was a 7 year old dreamer.

Childhood Dream Job:
  • Princess-Pirate
  • actress
  • nanny (before I realized how much work that is!)
  • Stay at Home Mom (SAHM)
  • novelist
  • librarian
  • archeaologist
  • secretary
  • nun (you may pick your jaws up off the floor - when I was 14 I honestly thought I was being called to a cloistered convent)
 Current Dream Job:
  • Catechist/religious education reformer
  • novelist
  • poet laureate (pipe dream, that one)
  • secretary
  • historian
  • professor
  • homeschooling wife and mother
  • YA reviewer (they still pay people to read and review books, right???)
You'll see a fair bit of overlap - like I said, I've known what I wanted for my life from a very young age. I'm still a little surprised at how some things have changed, and those things that haven't. 

 It's about to rain - hence the dark pic. The general badness is because I'm not a photographer.

What about you? What did you want to be when you grew up and then what did you grow up to be? Let me know in comments or with a list of your own!

Love,

Willow

For more fun with 52 Lists, click down on "52 Lists" in the little categories section at the bottom of the post, and go over to Moorea Seal's site to see more!

Check out Moorea Seal's entire project at her blog below:
http://www.moorea-seal.com/p/52-lists.html  
 
 

Monday, March 30, 2015

52 Lists, Week 13

Happy Monday! Welcome to my 52 Lists Project, wherein I feature one list every week for 2015. To join in with your own list, scroll down to the link at the bottom, print out your own list, and then share it however you wish!

Week 13: List the Things You Want to Make
There are lots of things I want to make, since I've always been a very crafty person. Knitting, embroidery, sewing, etc., I've been into crafts since I was a kid. Here's my list:


  • my Wildflower cardigan - halfway finished!
  • Hanukkah sweaters for Lila and Talia (special requests)
  • a family cookbook
  • berry cobbler for summer
  • new friends
  • throws/granny square afghans for the living room couch
  • enough money to get out of debt and save up for Santiago
  • my home a nicer place to live
  • lots of books
  • Catholic religious education in the U.S. better
  • my mother proud
  • a positive difference in the world
  • a family of my own

Wow, this is a bad picture. I take notoriously poor photos but this deserves an award...Sorry!

So those are all the things I want to make. What about you? What are the things you want to make this month, this year, or in your lifetime? Let me know in comments or with a list of your own!


Love,

Willow

For more fun with 52 Lists, click down on "52 Lists" in the little categories section at the bottom of the post, and go over to Moorea Seal's site to see more!

Check out Moorea Seal's entire project at her blog below:
http://www.moorea-seal.com/p/52-lists.html  
 

Monday, January 26, 2015

52 Lists, Week 4

Happy Monday! Welcome to my 52 Lists Project, wherein I feature one list every week for 2015. To join in with your own list, scroll down to the link at the bottom, print out your own list, and then share it however you wish!

Week 4: List Your Current & Future Goals & Dreams

This list is really quite similar to my list from last year - in fact, I'm pretty sure the majority of the "Future" goals and dreams are identical (with a couple of additions). Here we go...

Current:
  • continue using my money carefully so I can continue to cover rent and expenses
  • start saving more money
  • eat out less and less
  • get in 30 minutes of exercise each day (I'm currently at about 3 times a week but my goal is to get this in daily)
  • catalog the library
  • stick to my Condo Cleaning Schedule
  • write blog posts in advance and post more regularly
  • meet new people and make new friends
  • try new recipes
  • finish the family cookbook
Future
  • be a recognized, fiscally solvent writer
  • own a small house with a yellow kitchen and a garden
  • share my life with someone I love (hopefully not just my cat)
  • have children
  • learn a new language
  • live in a foreign country for 6 months or more
  • go to Spain
  • see my niece and nephew baptized in the Catholic Church
  • have tea with Francesca Lia Block
  • hug John Green, Hank Green, and Taylor Swift
  • read thousands of really good books
  • start a literacy foundation
  • reform Catholic religious education
  • become a saint (not necessarily a formally canonized one)
 


That one about a literacy foundation always surprises me, but when I tried to leave it off the list it nagged and nagged at my brain until I put it back. I'm not sure what to make of it, but there it is.

So what about you? What are some of your goals and dreams for the future? What kinds of things would you like to accomplish this year? How about 5 or 10 or 20 years from now? Let me know in comments or with a list of your own!

Hope you have a lovely Monday...

Love,

Willow

For more fun with 52 Lists, click down on "52 Lists" in the little categories section at the bottom of the post, and go over to Moorea Seal's site to see more!

Check out Moorea Seal's entire project at her blog below:
http://www.moorea-seal.com/p/52-lists.html  

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

52 Lists - Week Four

This year I'm participating in Moorea Seal's 52 Lists project - a new list every week this year! Since I love making lists of things, I'm inflicting them on all of you. Head on over to her site HERE to check out all the lovely lists or join in yourself!

Week 4 - List Your Current & Future Goals and Dreams
Goals and dreams: I've got a lot of them.  This list was an interesting way to look at my goals in the sense of small picture and big picture; things I want to accomplish soon with concrete certainty and my someday-maybe pipe dreams. My "Current" list is stuff I want to accomplish by the end of 2014 (unless I specified some other end date), whereas my "Future" list is mostly on the dreams side of things rather than the goals side. You know what I mean. Here's my list:

CURRENT:
+ finish deep cleaning and organizing the condo, and have my room consistently tidy by Christmas (this is a serious goal because I am rubbish at home/space organization)
+ save enough money to be able to cover rent when Gary moves out
+ polish 3 poems to submit to literary magazines by the end of summer
+ organize and catalog the library this summer
+ get into a solid routine of exercising every day (I'm making progress on this one!) 
+ write up a bunch of blog posts and work up to posting every week (the photo says every day, but what I meant to add - thoughts faster than pen! - was to write every day)
+ meet new people and make new friends

those colorful bits of paper are from my Happy Thoughts Jar
FUTURE:
+ be a recognized, fiscally solvent writer
+ own a small house with a yellow kitchen, a garden, chickens, and a library [and a cat] (this little dream of mine has been in place for ages. I can't explain my obsession with having a sunny yellow kitchen, but it's ingrained in the dream. So's the window over the kitchen sink with lacy white curtains that looks into the garden. I'm a dreamer...) 
+ share my life with someone I love
+ have children
+ live in a foreign country (possibly the U.K. or Germany) for at least 6 months or longer
+ see my niece and nephew baptized in the Catholic Church  (ah, we've entered the pipe dream section of this list)
+ have tea with Francesca Lia Block
+ read thousands of really good books
+ start a literacy foundation
+ reform Catholic religious education/catechism instruction across the country (another dream I've had for a long, long time)
+ inspire someone
+ change the world
+ become a saint (formal canonization not required)

So, what are your goals for the rest of 2014? What are your dreams for the future? Do you dream of garden bungalows with yellow kitchens and blue libraries or something different? Let me know in comments....

Peace, love, and daydreams,

Willow


For more fun with 52 Lists, click down on "52 Lists" in the little categories section at the bottom of the post, and go over to Moorea Seal's site to see more!

Check out Moorea Seal's entire project at her blog below:
http://www.moorea-seal.com/p/52-lists.html
         

Monday, April 2, 2012

When I Have Fears

It's been an interesting winter, I suppose, but finally, finally, it's turning into spring.  I love this time of year.  I survived the cold dark of fall and winter and now I'm to be rewarded with warm days that last and last.  I can always tel, because the wild mustard is already blooming on the hillsides, and even a few brave poppies have poked up their golden heads before the final frost.

Unfortunately, it also brings my birthday.  I know, it's a silly thing, and I should be excited or something, but the one thing no one realizes is that in truth, I'm terrified.  I know I say that and people laugh but. . . The reason I went so all-out for my birthday last year was because I rather planned on it being my last.

Don't freak out, I don't have any plans. I just - and I realize how ridiculous this is - don't want to get old.  It's a completely irrational fear, I know, but like all my other irrational fears, it comes with a great deal of anxiety.  It's hard to explain where this came from, only I know I've felt like this since I was 14.

I've always been afraid of aging.  I'm not so concerned for vanity's sake - neither my mother nor grandmother look even a decade near their true age - I'm concerned for other reasons.  For years I've felt like 21 was it.  And I royally blew it.  What did I do this year?  I spend a wonderful summer in Salem, OR, I went back to school and dropped out again; I reconnected with R--- and K---, I'm working a dead-end job for my father and have little more than a high school education.  Not much to show for 21 years on this earth.

And that's what I'm afraid of.  When we're young, we're starry-eyed dreamers, but we're gradually robbed of that as we get older until we're nothing but shells of who we once were.  I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I'm 40 with a husband and 3 kids and haven't lived my life.

I mean, how many 40 or 50 year olds do you know who are genuinely happy with how their life turned out?  Who rejoice in their aging? I've been told time and time again by people I love not to get old.  I know they mean it jokingly but. . . I genuinely don't want to.

Maybe it's just the Big D talking but . . .  I've been worrying about this for a while.  It's more than just worrying about not living fully or "making my dreams come true" (whatever that means...), but I can't quite articulate it.

I mean, I feel like this is it.  My friends and I are growing up, we're running out of things to connect us.  I know that's a normal part of growing up, but I want a do-over.  I didn't do high school right, I royally fucked up my college "experience" and all I can think is that I'm running out of time to do all the living I have to do before I'm conned into giving myself up and forced to grow up.  The unfairness of it is so bitter and vile.

I look at Kenzie and how wondrous the world still is to her and feel sick when I think that in 15 short years, she'll probably be as disillusioned as me, if not more so.  And in 15 years, I'll be 37.


Am I a horrible person for feeling so trapped? I've heard all the "it's never too late to do what you've dreamed of" that I can handle.  I just want to know what my options are.  I'm really worried where I'll be in a few more weeks. . .


Sunday, February 26, 2012

Out of the Darkness

Alright, folks, I've got some big news. I've been kind of secretive for the last year, but I've been looking for a cause. Yes, yes, I'm a Free Hugger, but that's not really a "cause" so much as it's a movement and I don't feel about getting into the discussion of those differences. What I'm saying is, I've found it, and I'm stunned at how perfect it is.

As someone who's been living with diagnosed depression for over 2 years now (not to mention living with it undiagnosed for almost 12 years) and gone through the hospitalization and medication and therapy and blah blah blah, I'm kind of shocked how long it took me to find this organization - especially when I've been directly & indirectly benefiting from their influence for the duration of my treatment.

May I introduce: Out of the Darkness: The Overnight. 18 miles through the streets of San Francisco in one night. We're walking for the people we love who struggle with depression, the ones we've lost to suicide, and every single soul that resists the temptation to give up every day. I cried when I found this, because it reminded me that I am not the only one who struggles and that there is an army of people out there who come together to offer each other support.

SO! I'm taking donations. It costs $1000 to participate as a walker (I even joined a team! Team Death is No Parenthesis - from the e.e. cummings poem) plus the registration fee and airfare to get up to San Francisco in the first place. That said, I've been using my position as the Free Hugs Girl to further my cause. I'm there every Sunday anyway, and I have a modest following already, so I might as well commandeer their assistance. Drumroll!

Day 1 in Claremont and the conclusion of my first week of fundraising has elicited a total of: $54.52!!! I've committed myself to $20 a week and all the change I collect to this project, so the total donations I've received from strangers comes to $30.98, which is still awesome! As soon as I register I'll have an online donor page, and I know some of you have already made pledges to my cause, but every little bit helps! This cause has become so important to me in the last couple of weeks... It's put on by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, which is an organization that supports programs like the Trevor Project, clinics and early-diagnosis centers at universities across America, and various other programs that save lives every single day.

I'll be posting more next week, with an update on my fundraising status and all the ways I'm getting ready for this. I have 14 weeks until the walk, which is June 9-10. Until then, anyone have any fundraising ideas for me???





Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year, New You

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,

and old lang syne?

Fir ald lang syn, ma jo,
fir ald lang syn...

we'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
fir ald lang syn..."


"Sometimes you hit a point where you either change or self-destruct."
- Sam Stevens


In no particular order:
  • keep better track of my income and expenses, including balancing my checkbook regularly and saving my pennies
  • write every day (“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language. And next year’s words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning.” - T.S. Eliot)
  • completely clean and organize my room by May (including all papers and crafts) [This is actually a huge undertaking, but I plan to chip away at it a little each day until it's done, dammit]
  • finish (properly) 1 big writing project
  • eat and take my meds/vitamins every day (I really need to work on eating)
  • have a real-life adventure (not quite sure what this one means, but I wrote it down, so I must mean it)
  • start Free Hugging again
  • take better care of my car (and stop living out of it)
  • get a full-time job
  • do one thing each day for my own enjoyment, just for me
  • fill a jar of happy thoughts
  • exercise daily
  • blog regularly
  • write lots of book reviews
  • be patient with my uncle and avoid homicide in his area
  • keep track of the books I read (and reread)
  • put daily effort into my appearance (i.e., put myself together in the morning)
  • wear sunscreen
  • get back to journaling
  • spend time with Kenzie, teaching her how to be a kid
  • devote a little more attention to the Kenzie blog
  • start writing letters to the people I write letters to again
  • try not to be so lonely all the time
  • LIVE
So these are mostly things that normal people do anyway, and I don't really think of them as "New Year's Resolutions" so much as I think of them as things I've been needing to do and might as well use the new year as a good place to start myself in a new routine. Just saying. Because Resolutions are just promises we all make to ourselves after Christmas and forget before Valentine's day. I intend to hold myself accountable to...myself. Because I deserve these things. I deserve to write and play with my niece and do things that make me happy and to not be as lonely as I've been in the last 3 months. Don't I? I think I do, and tonight, my opinion matters.
Champagne and Big Bang Theory DVDs at Belinda's house with her boyfriend, Dana, and Courtney, then a slumber party with Court. That was my exciting New Year's Eve. But it's so much better than last New Year's Eve, sitting on the couch with my brother and a drink I didn't even finish. Courtney and I spent almost 2 hours sitting at my kitchen table talking about literature and books and poetry and things we loved. It's becoming like that, my kitchen table. I'll write more on that later, I think. She remembered to write to her husband before bed like she does every night, and then I remembered my own private tradition.
I pulled up youtube and played my favorite version of "Auld Lang Syne" and wrote in my journal for the first time in 14 months. My last entry was the 6 pages I spent writing out my first speech to tell my parents I was leaving LMU the first time. Of course, I didn't get more than 3 sentences into that speech, but it's in there, all the words I meant to say. I only gave myself time to scribble a few brief sentences, but I realized that I didn't do it last year and I felt awful. I don't feel a whole lot...better?...after having written those few, brief awkward lines, but I did it and I'll be doing more soon.

“Think back and replay your year; if it doesn’t bring you tears of either joy or sadness, consider it wasted."
~Ally McBeal
I'll try to remember to keep y'all updated on the status of my "resolutions" as time passes, and hopefully I'll have a nice little daily routine going by Valentine's Day.

Until then, ma jo's.....
"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living."
~Jonathan Safran Foer

But not anymore.
~Willow






Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Truth About October


You want the truth about October? October hurts. October is cold, windy, and full of memories. A lot of firsts, and plenty of lasts happen in October.

I'm not making sense. Again. Give me another chance.

I love autumn. I love the chill in the air, the clear days with amazing clouds and the occasional rainstorm. I love the bicycles and the sweaters getting pulled out of drawers and shaken free of cobwebs and memories. I love settling into school and getting back into the familiar rhythm of classes and roommates and "life as we know it."

I don't love the memories. I don't like Octobers because of what happened last October. The Big Mistake which led to the Big S------. I wish I could forget. I wish I could call the Big Mistake a Big Mistake and stop looking back at it fondly. Because it was a mistake and it ruined me. It was stupid, and selfish, and hopeless. But I walked into it anyway, knowing all of that, and I still look at it and know that at the end of the day I probably wouldn't do it any differently. Because I wanted it despite all the reasons around me screaming about what a terrible idea it was.

Slow down a minute.

SO. Octobers. Leaves are dropping - though not as dramatically as they are on the East Coast - and I'm dreaming of scarves and Christmas. It's eons away but I still dream. And I'm fantasizing about a year ago today, when I first heard the M--------- word. And it scared the shit out of me. And I set into motion the events that led me here. I started crying for no reason a bit ago. It wasn't for regret so much as missing how things used to be, when life was something similar to simple. A year ago today. A year.

But tomorrow I drive north, like I do every October. 1st week: Rodeo. 2nd week: roadtrip. It's that time of year I take for myself and run away to people who lovelovelove me and sing and cry in the car and escape the city I love. Then, 48 hours later, I'll return, tired and perhaps hungover, but return I shall. Because unlike last October, this one won't break me. If only because I'm not giving it the chance.

I guess the truth about Octobers is that they're a time of change and settling. Settling into change, I suppose. I've settled into school and work and now I'm working out the balance. I'm doing things I enjoy - hugging, knitting, spending time with the few friends I have left, and bracing myself for the harshness of November. If I make it through those first few weeks, I'll make it through the rest. I have to. No repeats, no do-overs, no backing out. Not this time. So the truth about October is that it's forgiving, and allows some room for stretching out and re-settling. So I'll settle in and get ready for the cold that always comes, but this time I won't freeze. I'll huddle in a blanket but I'll get up every morning and do the things I know I'm supposed to. Because it's a new October for me.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Some Quieter Thoughts

Sorry, folks, I have no exciting news on the creation of my own universe to share today. Just some introspection.

I've been (unfortunately) thinking about my Ex a lot today. This is due - in part - to my recently acquired Andy Grammer CD. Every song Andy sings is an anthem to my soul. Sappy? Yes. True? Undeniably. Strangely, my thoughts on the Ex aren't super negative.

I miss him, yes. But... I woke up this morning and I didn't hate him. I just feel... a little sad, and a little disappointed that things didn't work out, but... I'm at peace with it. Finally. I don't know if I'm quite ready to start seeing him socially again (I mean, really, do we even deserve that?), but I feel like I could bump into him somewhere and instead of wanting to cry, I could smile, give him a hug and honestly ask how he's doing and be genuinely interested for a few moments. It doesn't hurt so much to think about how we used to be. It still stings a little, but it's like a bruise that's healing instead of broken ribs and dislocated limbs. I'm calmer now. I can look at the situation with clear eyes and see how in many ways what happened was inevitable. Not necessarily smart, but it happened and I can't change it; I can only keep heading the direction I've set myself in.

I'm ready to go back to school, as well, because I have a plan. I'm going in with every defense available and I'm not anything stop me this time. Nothing.

So I'll leave you with part of the reason I've moved on from the entire "Ex" situation; part of the reason I'm almost completely over him:

The love we shared was real, the secrets we revealed
I hope I was a stepping stone
But now you are more yourself than when you met me
And I can say the same – I’m more myself, than when I met you….

And oh, I just want you to know
this is not a waste of time
there’s so much more below the service
we all search to find the ones who help us grow
and you have done that much for me
and I hope I’ve been a stepping stone

Looking back at what was done
I’m sure I hurt you some
and sure you threw a few low blows
but when the bruises heal, I’ll take down my shield
and thank god above I know you
cuz you are more yourself than when you met me,
and I can say the same – I’m more myself than when I met you

so, please, I ask you don’t
toss the work we’ve done aside
because we’re letting go
this is just a piece of life, focus on the whole
we have come so far…

Well I hope you use my back,
step across the pond and I hope by pushing off me you will come upon
the one who’s surely out there to whom you belong

I needed, I needed to meet you
I needed, I needed to meet your soul
And I hope
I’ve been a stepping stone.
~Andy Grammer, "Stepping Stone"

So there you have it.


Peace,

Willow