Tuesday, December 7, 2010

It's Been a While

I'm back. It's been a while, I know. And I apologize. Not that anyone reads this regularly or is desperate for an update on my life and state of being, but it feels like an apology is appropriate. But, a lot has been happening. I left school, came home, spent some time in hospital, and now I'm sitting on ready, but rocking on pause. (That's an old, old pilot's phrase I've tweaked. The real saying is: "Sittin' on ready; rockin' on GO" meaning that they're ready to take off.) In taking a leave of absence from school, I've put my entire life on pause, it feels like. I don't know who I am when I'm not a student.

I find myself itching for an adventure of sorts. Or something. I feel like that saying, "When nothing goes right, go left." I want to start walking, and just keep going until I bump into something exciting. I need to go somewhere. I want to hug again. I want to do something other than run away from everything that seems to be attacking me from all sides. I need to do something a little spontaneous. Routine is good; my doctor confirmed this. But my routine as it stands now gets halted at around 11am every day depending on my work schedule. I get up, drink coffee, have my meds, exercise, shower and bam! it's 11am and I'm bored. Usually I'll have Kenzie. Usually she's napping between 11am and 1pm. Today I baked cookies. And then took her to the bookstore. And came home.

That's all my days seem to be anymore. I don't mean to sound whiny, I'm just at my wit's end of things to do with myself. Tomorrow, thankfully, one of those choices is being made for me. I'm helping a family friend help her friend clear out her garage. For money, thankfully. Still. It's little things like that that I want to do more of. Less sitting around the house chasing my niece around and a little more going out and getting outside and being away and experiencing things and then writing about them. I tried dedicating myself to one hour of writing a day. In the last 5 days, it hasn't exactly worked. But I look at it this way: if I finish the necessary stuff my mother outlined (getting up by 9am, exercising and showering and taking my meds) by 11am every day (unless I'm working), then I can take at least 1 hour to myself to disappear and write. And take another hour to spend knitting or crocheting or things like that. And then read. Maybe. I want to work on guitar, too, but I don't want to be too ambitious. I refuse to sell myself short, though.

Suggestions? I've never been able to come up with a solid routine and stick with it so this is a big challenge for me, guys. Whoever reads this. Yeah...

Probably more tomorrow. I hope. Let's see if I can stick to that one little thing...

Love all, trust few, do wrong to no one. ~ William Shakespeare


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