Sunday, January 23, 2011

An Angry Outburst

May I be a raging psychotic bitch for a few minutes, please? Granted, this is my blog so I could conceivably tell you all to just piss off and let me rant, but I'm feeling like a polite raging psychotic bitch this evening.

It is amazing to me how even after taking my meds, getting some exercise, doing some writing, some knitting, spending time with people I care about and escaping for a few days, I'm still vulnerable to his attacks. Even when he's not aware that it's an attack, it cuts me again and again at how just 6 months ago I was practically the center of his universe (in a good way) and now I'm something he's apologizing for. I'm sorry. What did I do? How is any of this my fault? But I'm not explaining right. Let me simply copy/paste so you can see for yourself (all 0 of you that read this):

Robert Nicholas Williams Facebook

I want to apologize to my California buddies for the last 3 years. I spent so much time focusing on a girlfriend that I didn't give any to you guys. Hopefully I can pull my ass in gear and try to fix this.
01/22/2011, 11:35PM.
So. I was a waste of time. I took him away from his friends. I ruined his already fragile relationships just by being in his life. Nevermind that one of the last things he said to me when we were still acting like friends was that I was a major part of the best 3 years of his life and he didn't regret a thing. That had nothing to do with it. UGH! The thing about this particular thing that kills me, that really bugs the shit out of me, is that all the time we were together, I was encouraging him to spend time with his other friends. I urged him to call up his pals from high school, from theater, from whatever else it was, and he always did the same thing. Make excuses. Blame them. Say they weren't worth his time. Claim he would rather spend that time with me.

So I wasted 3 wonderful years of my life that I'll never get back. I'm permanently damaged, and it will take me eons to get over this relationship because there's no such thing as a happy ending to this one, no matter how often we talked about it. He can call us friends all he wants, but it's going to take a long time - and a lot of work on his end - for that to even be an option.

Good luck, loser.


Friday, January 14, 2011


So. Maybe we should talk about New Years' resolutions? Or how about just things I want to start doing for myself everyday? That sounds a little more reasonable...

1. Write everyday. Be it journaling, letters (but to whom?), or working on a project, one solid hour of uninterrupted writing.
3. Exercise daily. I've been doing this, I can stick to this, I enjoy it and I deserve it.
4. Keep calm, stay organized, stay focused. Work on Latin, do some intellectual reading, stimulate my mind.

4 little things to accomplish each day. This is feasible. I just need to buckle down and stick to it. I mean, really, it's honestly only 3 daily things. The rest is more active. More active but still what I should be doing.

Maybe an option on the first can be responses to the last. If I go to Classic Coffee each day for an hour (on days when leaving is necessary, that is) or so and do some intellectual reading and then make my writing my response to or my thoughts on what I read, I killed 2 birds with 1 stone. Or 3, if escape is necessary... Hmmm. Maybe. We shall see.

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me; so won't you kill me, so I'll die happy?"

"Love all, trust few, do wrong to no one." ~ William Shakespeare