Saturday, July 2, 2011

All the Wrong Reasons

Today should have been a fantastic day. I worked with Ann (my cousin's instructional assistant), who is a great person to be around and despite Margaret's multiple angry outbursts, she and I had a very productive morning. I also got to go to Bush Park this afternoon and spend some time with myself which was very nice. Then, my aunt took me to visit Dear Dorothy, who helped me create my very first page in my very first scrapbook to commemorate my 21st birthday party.

Yet, in spite of all of that, I'm putting myself to bed impossibly early in tears. Not even new episodes of Lovejoy can keep me upstairs.

I love my cousin, but sometimes it's so hard to keep her behavior in perspective. Having this afternoon off was nice, but... I spent over an hour at my favorite spot in the park. I have a specific bench in the rose gardens that usually gets partial to full sun, from which I can people watch, enjoy the sights and smells of summer roses and generally have some alone time. But today the rose gardens were full of couples. Old couples, teen couples, young couples, couples with kids, couples with dogs.... I was sitting on a bench by myself on a beautiful summer day in the middle of a glorious rose garden, and I was completely alone.

Then I went to visit my friend Dorothy and spent 3 1/2 hours creating the very beginning of my Alice In Wonderland 21st Birthday Tea Party scrapbook and realized that the person I most wanted to be at that party wasn't, couldn't be, and.... It took a lot out of me to mask how sad I still am about that.

And on top of all of this I miss Kenzie so much it hurts and I'm beginning to wonder what the hell I was thinking when I signed on for a whole summer away from her because I won't get to see her when I go to Vegas for my friend's wedding and it's all I can do to stop myself from calling my brother right now because I know if I call her crying it'll upset her and I don't want that but I'm just so upset I can barely think straight and


I bought my outfit for C------'s wedding the other day and put the whole thing together this afternoon for final approval from my aunt and Dorothy. Yes, I felt pretty and yes, I felt grown up, but... As excited as I am for this wedding and as supportive as I am of my friend and as much as I love her and her fiance, this whole wedding business really makes me sick. It's no one's fault but my own and I acknowledge that. It's just that... I spent the last 4 years with all these images and ideas in my mind about my wedding and my life and my fairytale ending and it's all been taken away from me. In the meantime, I have to sit on the sidelines while someone else's fairytale parades past. I'm not bitter towards C------- or her special day, but... God I feel like a fool.

But I refuse to let this all be about him. Because it's not. I'm just having a bad day. I realize and accept that I'm still going to have bad days even after I'm completely over this Big D. It's not about him, has never been about him; he's just a large contributing factor.

And just because I know all of this doesn't mean I'm not going to cry myself to sleep tonight. Because sometimes, the only cure is a good cry.

Maybe I'll tell you something worth hearing some other time.


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