Please ignore my post from earlier today. My only explanation is that I was angry - justifiably so, but still only angry. Bitter reality has sunk back in.
Everything hurts. My legs ache and my shoulders are hot and my feet are sore and I'm generally exhausted. I cleaned the cottage my aunt uses as an office today, top to bottom, ever so thorough. I needed the hours of intense, physical labor to ease my mind and I know I'm sunburned from my failed attempt at saving the world this morning but... Everything hurts.
I wish - oh, so desperately - that I could easily write off these aches and pains as the result of a long, satisfying day of work. Except I know better. This is how it always gears up. The bad spells. It starts with the ruminating, then the aches, then the head trip, then the cold, and then... I don't want to let things get that far. I thought I was getting better, really I did. And I've been doing everything I'm supposed to, haven't I? Taking the tiny white pills every morning and night, walking, getting sun, doing things that stimulate my mind, not isolating... I'm supposed to be better!
But no. Not really. I know these telltale pains. What's the phrase? Ah, yes. They are as familiar to me as a lover's embrace. But I find no comfort in them. No. What I wouldn't give to never feel them again... And it's been months. Months. But they're back and somehow I know that I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll feel fine but tomorrow night I'll be right here again, begging any and all powers of the universe to make it stop because everything hurts. My fingers aren't even cooperating as I attempt to type these words. Sleep is only a temporary relief and I'm terrified of what I become when even that isn't enough. I don't want to feel like this anymore.