Anger Management

“The world spins. We stumble on. It is enough.”

Let The Great World Spin, Colum McCann

I like to consider myself a relatively even-keeled person. I'm emotional, yes, but not one of those angry, aggressive, loose-cannon types. While I'm easily annoyed, I very rarely lose my temper. Even when I lose my temper, I don't completely let go of it - rather, I loosen my grip on it ever so slightly. The only times I've ever completely lost my temper and start screaming and throwing things and slamming doors in anger, I'm typically in the midst of a heated argument with my parents.

Today, I am not overly peeved at my parents.  My father has yet to pay me in full, yes, and this is incredibly irritating and more than a little inconvenient. My mother has re-instigated her crusade for me to take on seasonal/holiday employment at one of the many retail locations posting signs for such things "for a little extra income." Mother, dear, I wouldn't need "a little extra income" if your husband would pay me on time, in full. And, while I certainly don't need this kind of prodding (I'm 22 years old for crying out loud, I know what seasonal work is), it's not so frustrating that I wish to break things.

My Uncle/Housemate is not being any more infuriating than usual, yet when I arrived at home this afternoon and found a number of dishes piled up the sink (which were not there when I left for work this morning), he received a minor charring from my anger. He insisted that he hadn't used the dish, I insisted that it wasn't there this morning, and in the end, it really should have been put in the dishwasher whenever it was that he used it. Not the point.

And my cat (whom you shall all meet and be properly introduced to shortly). My cat, who is sweet and dear to me, is also in the proverbial doghouse today. He's taken to jumping on me to get onto my desk at work. This wouldn't be too terrible if he didn't sink his claws into my thighs every time he attempted. I do not particularly enjoy having numerous small, bloody puncture wounds in my legs by the end of the day. I'm hesitant to have him completely de-clawed, but I'm beginning to consider it.  He's getting those damn things trimmed asap in any case.

Overall, these are tiny, insignificant annoyances that I live with on a daily basis. They should not be affecting me so strongly. So why, today of all days, do these small things have me itching to cancel my babysitting gig this evening (no matter how badly I need the money) in order to sit in bed with a movie, a case of Dr. Pepper and a bottle of whiskey and drink until I either forget my name or feel sick (whichever comes first)? Why today? There is no real reason for me to feel like marching downstairs to the kitchen and hurling every plate, cup, and bowl we own into the wall so that I never have to rifle through the cupboards making sure they're clean again. None of these things should make me want to trash my room and scream until the neighbors come running.

But after typing all of this, I'm not so angry anymore. In fact, I'm feeling rather drained, rather exhausted, and extremely, extremely emotionally fragile. Why? I understand that anger is one of the most destructive emotions, and that "depression is anger turned inward" but why am I feeling it now? I'm not hormonal and have no real external cause for this.

Yet it all comes back to the same thing: I really wish I lived alone. Or at least with people I actually liked. Today I feel like it's me and the cat and we're trapped. Happier posts to follow. In fact, please feel free to ignore this one completely. I think I just needed to rant and then feel better.